When I recently looked at some pictures of myself opening Christmas presents as a young girl, I noticed the Venetian blinds in the background were a deep dark red, as well as the carpet. This was incredibly symbolic - so much blood surrounded my childhood and everything I went through both literally and metaphorically.
I’ve been contemplating all of this, and how I’ve never been aware of how to be a father to myself. When you don’t know how because it was never modeled to you, you’re not quite sure of your potential, you’re navigating how to be confident, you wouldn’t know the first thing about supporting yourself, or making decisions with a cool head. Only since last year have I realized that I was lacking in this. I did some reparenting back in 2019 through ACA and even did some remothering, deeming the Dark Mothers my spiritual mothers, as they began to show me my true self, how intuitive I was how I could rely on that. How creative I was. That I deserved to receive. This was all in the way of how I could see myself in a different light and begin to embrace my feminine energy.
But I was never led toward my masculine by anyone. In fact it was modeled in a psychopathic fashion, so for a very long time I thought that I was exactly that, with mental illnesses even, it was so weird. As an adolescent I found traces of my masculine energy within my writing, as I would tear into people and bare my soul through my feelings as well as fictional stories. Most recently I discovered the Dark Lord when I created this Substack. Through Dark Lord Show Me the Way, I have not only began embracing my truth because I make it public (when I was a child I kept my writing hidden for the most part) but I have also been embracing being my own authority. That’s what it means to make choices and accept responsibility. When we do this we are heavily in our masculine. When we take the place of authority figures all around us, when we step into our power and potential, we are stepping into our masculine energy. When we create structure in our lives, have a set, yet flexible schedule, when we know how to protect ourselves with strong boundaries, we are basking in our masculine.
For this time I’m in I’ve changed my pop socket to Baphomet (pictured above), protector and father. It is from my wonderful friend Elizabeth from Black Coffin Designs. I am using it to connect to my own authority, protection, and becoming financially independent. I have come to view the Dark Lord as such a benevolent figure who has been gently guiding me since I started this writing journey. I have also created a personal hell self-care journal packed with lots of supportive measures I have been learning about lately.
I worked on a project last year that helped me uncover truths about myself which were hidden away in my subconscious. Things I’d never recognized before about myself - but life is like that. We peel back the layers, and healing becomes a spiral. We go over lessons as many times as we need so we can get it, because the universe is not short on chances. It gives us a new day every day to make things better, to change, to get closer to what we desire in life, whatever that may be as we are all different.
I’m working with a candle for the next few weeks and I incorporated some pomegranate to help bring out the blood so I can get through these revelations and work my way to the other side, where I hope to be reunited with my masculinity. Persephone joined me last year and I discussed this in Bathing in your own blood. It was time for her to visit me. I spoke with another witch who said Persephone visits those who are living on the edges of extremes. When it has become too much, and it is time to change Persephone shows up to bring you to the other side, the way Hecate did for her. If you are getting a divorce, starting your own business, and moving locations, this will probably happen to you too.
I’ve also made some dark blood red cookies infused with herbs to go along with all the work I am doing. I eat one each day to help me process and integrate my experiences as so many have been coming up. I love to incorporate food into my healing journey, as it feels so synchronous for me but also helps as a physical tangible representation of what I am trying to work through.
Jennifer Diane is a witch scholar, writer and model based out of New Jersey. Since 2017, she has not stopped gathering self-help resources in an effort to grow where everything was dead. Her offerings include resources on Darkness Thriving, books and zines at Endeavors of Horror, one on one sessions for Healing with the Occult, and radical perspectives on the Enlightenment through Hellfire podcast.