This weekend I had the privilege of performing at the Jersey City Poetry Festival as Lana del Rey. There was a cosplay element where you could show up dressed up as your favorite poet and have a chance to read or perform something they’ve done. I chose the unreleased Melancholia because it’s one of her pieces that reminds me of what I admire most about her-her resilience, her constant pushing toward a resurrection despite her circumstances. The song/poetic monologue was written in 2012, the same year everything happened to her with SNL. The words are about survival, I’ll include them in full at the end of the article. I documented some footage before going to the event because I was so wildly excited, you’ll find it in the video below as well as my performance from the event. I’ve been performing at some open mics in the last two months, reading my poetry, performing my fiction stories and also singing in front of people, playing with creativity in a different way (live). Not sure where it’s leading me, but I’m trusting it.
Going to this event was the biggest risk I’ve taken creatively (and I’m so grateful I was able to work a few extra hours to afford a ticket), because I knew I wanted to have blood dripping from the crown of thorns and to show up like that in public felt like it required so much of my brave energy. I dressed this way because Lana sings about Jesus a lot, and outside of Coachella last year for her performance, which I mention in Quantum Leaping with the Shadow, she had a billboard created that said Has anyone else died for you? with the cross, referencing how dragged she was by society in 2012. Her special relationship with Jesus reminds me of my own, due to having gone through what I went through this past spring so I was really thrilled to get into character and dress up as my own interpretation of her during that time.
I bought a few yards of some gauzy fabric and tied it around my waist trying to do the triple knot similar to what Jesus had during the crucifixion. I did the same up top since I could not go topless. Layering the gauze worked really well so that it wasn’t see-through. I used the same crown of thorns I created for the cover of my zine Emotional Horrorshow, and that was also used for the photoshoot in JHRI. But because this was supposed to resemble Lana I added roses to the crown and my long hair extensions as 2012 was the year her hair went black. I had planned to do my makeup but something about bare face felt like it fit better, and I used red food dye which looks so realistic to blood and even dries the way blood does. I actually prefer it to the Halloween stores and what they sell.
It was thrilling to perform on the 5th floor of The Stork Club which is an iconic spot built in 1929 that’s seen Hollywood legends like Marilyn Monroe and Lucille Ball. I found it so fitting given what Lana always sings about. Because we were on the 5th floor the view of NYC was amazing and the glass edges of the deck made it that more cool. I’ve been reflecting on the experience and I feel Lakshmi and Brigid were looking down on me saying something like “the alchemization process has begun, she’s learning how to turn her raw emotions into real beauty, she’s living her destiny, it’s beautiful to watch” because I felt like I was singing about myself when I performed, it felt like I was channeling rage and unhealed wounds in a positive way. And I bring up the goddesses because I recently learned there are certain Godheads associated with the Gates in your Human Design chart (I was not surprised that Hades rules a lot of my chart) and one of mine is ruled by Lakshmi with the Pagan alternative of Brigid, who at heart was a poet and smithcraft, forging metal through fire to create tools for the community, i.e. skillfully and purely transforming raw materials into something society could hold, use and witness.
I see how Lana del Rey has done this over time in the progression of her work as well as Holly Macve, another artist I greatly admire. It takes a real mastering of the craft to turn your shadows of fury, psychopathy, sexual madness, heartsickness etc. into something purely beautiful instead of just “getting it out” and presenting blood/violence/death. That’s more the rawness, not the alchemy. It requires patience, skill, refinement, grace, revision and practice. It requires digging deeper into yourself to find the true gift in the dark shadows, the beauty in the messiness of your entire life, an evolution I am starting to understand.
Melancholia lyrics
If you ask the New York Times, they'll say that I'm dead
And ask Rolling Stone, they'll say I'm uninviting
I don't really give a fuck, it's no surprise
I never had friends here, either
Still, I'm gonna run with the light in my eyes
And if you did, it wouldn't happen, either
Sometimes, bad things happen to good people
And sometimes, angels touch pure evil
That don't mean they stop
They can fight for what's right and I will, 'cause
I don't have the time to kill, and I
I don't have the will
If you see the light in my eyes, know I'm shining
I walk my road alone 'til here, so I'll keep riding
I don't need your love, I've been this far down
Back into the New York City
I've been sober for eleven years right now
If that don't mean a thing, well, I tried
'Cause, sometimes, bad things happen to good people
And sometimes, angels touch pure evil
And I won't stop, I won't fight
I'll just stay towards the light
'Cause I know, sometimes, bad things happen to good people
And that's mine
Jesus, walk with me
I don't have anything left to offer up to you
But Jesus can comfort me
I don't really wanna drink, so pot'll do
Heaven is on Earth
I have peace and that's more than you
I can live in the light like a maniac
In the stars attack, in the zodiac
So, ride for the first time and die for the last time
I'm with the angels, and I'm stressed in the back row
Keeping me harder, I try and I start, but
I'm scared I won't catch up, honey, it don't matter
Sometimes, bad things happen to good people
And sometimes, angels touch pure evil
And I will fight for the right
To keep on making art out of my life
Fight for the right to be different
In a world full of fake bitches
I forgot to include the below keepsake I received from QWERTY poetry that night, you give the person a topic and they type up some poetry on a typewriter. I loved what they wrote for me.
Jennifer Diane is a writer, artist and intuitive based out of New Jersey. Healing with the Occult is a publication that shares hidden, transformative knowledge.