We Called it the John Regime
[Gail to her therapist] My sister and I we used to sleep in the same bedroom. I used to feel her in the night if she woke. I worried about her a lot when we were kids. She was younger than me and my folks were always puttin her safety into my hands. I never understood that but even into adulthood. I still worried bout her.
I knew somethin was wrong with that man she married. That man John reminded me of our daddy, the way he’d make sure she was home every night by 8pm. She stopped doin for her and I could hear it in her voice when she talked, she wasn’t well. I asked my niece about her sleepin and she told me, “Sometimes mama talks at night, in her sleep. She cries for help.” That haunted me to my bones. Sometimes I’d come over to give her some house help as that man did not dare lift a finger. I took her clothes out of the dryer one day and the fabric was old and worn. You know them stainless steel scouring pads, that’s what her clothes felt like. She didn’t think she deserved clothes that felt good the way she didn’t think she deserved a good man. I didn’t know how to help her. I suppose I could’ve picked up on the signs, but I didn’t know any better.
When they found her she was all bloodied. I blame myself. My husband at the time, him and I, we made fun of all of it. We called it the John Regime. I wasn’t any better at pickin em. I been divorced twice. We had lots of trouble growin up. Our mama gave everything to the point where she just disappeared. Used to just look out the window and smoke cigarettes. I don’t think I ever remember her smilin with us. Even at this wedding we all went to when we were a bit older. I remember gettin asked to walk out on the dance floor and when I turned back around I saw mama sittin there stiff as a corpse with a blank stare. It’s like she wasn’t even there. I suppose my sister was so affected by the blueprint we were given, that she just wanted to disappear too. I’ll never forgive myself.
-
Thank you for reading. There is an option below to support my writing if you feel so inclined. Here’s an update on what I’ve been doing elsewhere:
My first zine, Devil’s Manifesto, just came out.
My two poetry books, Folk Horror and Rural Horror, will be coming out in October.