My little girl has dangled me from rooftops. She has awakened in my body and begged me not to sleep, for fear of losing more time to think of her latest beloved. She has looked me in the mirror and stated point blank 'we're not eating if you don't get him back.'
Despite feeling like a threat this was her reaching out to me throughout my life. My personal hell has always been rejection, as I think we discussed in the Chiron post, and that was her portal. That was where she’d enter my psyche, that was where chaos would ensue, and I would blame her for all of it. I couldn’t recognize she was warning me in every screaming tantrum, in every look in her eyes wet welling up. Who listens to children. I used to not be the parent I wanted to be to her, I used to try to exert power and control over her. I could not see she was trying to cope because emotions came last, power came first. Power at all costs. Power meant extreme independence, power meant not showing an ounce of emotion. But power also meant not letting go, for fear of losing control. It wasn't until one summer that I could feel her more acutely because she was violently raising hell. It was time for me to pay attention and it came in the form of pushing the man I talk about in the below poem to the ground. When I pushed him it felt like we both fell down a black hole I’d dug 20 years earlier. Where I hid some unacceptable parts of me burying them deep. She pushed him because I pushed her - away - all my life.
It all came to a head when my personal wheel of the year started over, a new beginning - I was finally ready to look at this part of my shadow. The only way out was through, and during a meditation beyond that summer, as I came to a clearing in the forest my inner child looked up at me in all her wisdom and answered a question I'd had for a long time: "Why do you keep sending men to take care of me? I want you! Why do you keep sending them to love me I don't want them I want you!" She cried into my arms and I cried too. It was the most honest I’d ever been with myself, it was the most honest thing I had ever heard myself say. She thought I could save her and she was right, only I needed time to believe that, time to understand that I’d been using my power all wrong. I’d spend the next two years in shadow work, thinking about how comfortable I’d become with intimacy, power and control twisting all into one, how it spoke to how many years before that I'd not let anyone leave me nor I them. I wrote in my 2023 zine Emotional Horrorshow of Veronica who was the most dangerous part of me, that when the doctor refused to help her look for her father, she spoke "My men will help me. They always help me." She even insisted that this was why she overdosed on her man's oxys, "He was helping me die. My men always help me." Veronica followed Blair who followed Caroline and Caroline found my little girl. All these past versions of me had to die so that I could access her when I went into recovery. She helped me see that I could no longer possess anyone, and no one should possess me.
And most importantly she was not to blame, she was never the problem. It was about making her feel safe. How could I do that instead of pushing all these people on top of her. How could I find the answer, these people certainly weren’t it, the answer to her feelings of unlovability, unworthiness, or unsafety? How could I stop believing external things could fill up that hole from 20 years earlier. It never could and she knew it, she saw right through me and when I stopped numbing her I stopped being suicidal. I stopped believing she was trying to kill me, choking me with all her big emotions of fear and revenge. I created some space for her to be herself and stopped denying her her feelings. I helped her channel them in a safer way and dug that grave up again to see what was inside.
You may know what I'm speaking of, you may have no idea. But I recently came upon some more info about core wounds that could be helpful. At this link you can type in your birth info to see your Gene Keys profile. Gene Keys (evolved from Human Design) was created by Richard Rudd and is another modality for transforming the shadows that lie within. Once you have your profile up, you’ll see Full/Genius/Love/Prosperity/Harmony across the bottom. Click 'Love' and look to the 'Core' ball which has some numbers in it (for example 15.2). This ‘Core’ ball is known as the Vocation sphere also known as your deepest wound. The number after the dot is the one you want to pay attention to - so in the example of 15.2 it would be 2. This number relates to an ancient teaching called The Seven Sacred Seals of how we can ascend to higher consciousness through transmutation of our wound. It lists the 6 core wounds of humanity (the 7th is what we unlock when we heal everything). So looking at the Seals below, the number 2 corresponds with the wound of denial. You can find yours in the list.
The Seven Sacred Seals
Open the 1st Seal through Divine Will (40th Siddhi) to heal repression (Physical)
Open the 2nd Seal through Omniscience (17th Siddhi) to heal denial (Astral)
Open the 3rd Seal through Universal Love (25th Siddhi) to heal shame (Mental)
Open the 4th Seal through Epiphany (43rd Siddhi) to heal rejection (Causal)
Open the 5th Seal through Forgiveness (4th Siddhi) to heal guilt (Buddhic)
Open the 6th Seal through Truth (63rd Siddhi) to heal separation (Atmic)
Open the 7th Seal through Grace (22nd Siddhi) to heal all wounds above (Monadic)
So one of these 6 wounds stands out above the rest for you, revealed through that Vocation sphere. I learned through my Gene Keys profile that 4 is mine which I was not surprised and the way to heal that is through the 43rd Siddhi (you can Google your own Siddhi to understand the above more deeply) which is about wearing my heart and no longer hiding my true self. The ‘Siddhi’ refers to the highest expression of a Gene Key archetype in your life. Each Gene Key has a Shadow (lowest expression), Gift, and Siddhi.
For further reading, Rudd talks all about the Seals in this article. Something I found fascinating in the article is Rudd comments on your Venus sequence in your Gene Keys profile, saying if you look at it and write down the numbers - which you can look at your own by again clicking ‘Love’ and writing down each number after each dot in the sequence - he says that you will find these numbers are the lock combination for how your heart opens and closes.
Tan Astrology also has endless amounts of videos on each Gene Key that are like 30 mins to an hour long each. She really helps you understand your Gene Keys profile sphere by sphere. In her video on Gene Key 22, she talks about the Seals at length and so much more about the body and how we enter and leave earth - it’s an hour long but well worth it again if you want to go deeper.
Jennifer Diane is a writer, artist and intuitive based out of New Jersey. Healing with the Occult is a publication that shares hidden, transformative knowledge.