The F*ck*n P*tri*rchy Knows Best, Episode 666

Hello! And welcome to another segment of TFPKB. I’m your host, nothingness! Today we’re stepping out of the studio with my cameraperson Allknowing, and driving cross-country to interview numerous nothingness about their first dinner after a long time of being absent. We all know the first dinner is a huge deal, for example if the nothingness have come back from vacation, or from a stint at university, or if they’ve decided to stay with others for several months. We all know they come back eventually! For a nothingness could never survive on their own, it is simply not “The Way.” Which reminds me, have you purchased your most recent copy of “The Way?” Please check out our studio website where you can find the latest edition! Okay Allknowing, let’s get to it!

Nooseneck Hill Road, Greenwich, Rhode Island

Interviewer: Hi, we’re interviewing nothingness across the country about their first dinner! Tell me, what was it like for you? What did they tell you?

Interviewee: I was told I cut my hair like the Germans. They asked if I’d been married, and when I said no they refused to accept that I hadn’t. They thought I was joking and demanded to know when the wedding would take place.

Interviewer: Fascinating! Allknowing, are you getting this? [A nod and thumbs up from Allknowing]

Interviewee: It was a barrage and I didn’t want to hear it. But “The Way”—

Allknowing: —explains that you have to listen to Allknowings. That’s right kid, it’s the only “way” to be happy [chuckles].

Interviewee: I’m still waiting on happiness. And I’m 42, so not quite a kid..

Allknowing: Got it kid! [big smile and thumbs up]

No More Victims Road, Jefferson City, Missouri

Interviewer: Hello! We’re traveling across the good ol’ USofA to interview nothingness about how their first dinner went at home! Would you be willing to speak with us? Oh thank you! So tell us, what was your experience like?

Interviewee: I done came back and wadn’t allowed to sit at the table. My Allknowin explained if I didn’t shower or wash my hands, there wadn’t gonna be no dinner. I honestly jus wanted to sleep but they denied me. After gettin clean for Allknowin, I was told nother nothin’ness had stopped by with a whole messa children in my absence. They were lookin to say hi, and my Allknowin stared on at me sayin “they done had three children, and what do you have nothin’ness? Nothin! Thas where you all get the name ain’t got nothin ain’t gonna be nothin! You bes bring me back, some kinda Allknowin next time you come home you hear me!” I suppose I ain’t got nothin if I don’t got me any children, although I’m not quite sure I want—

Interviewer: WOW! This is incredible, [to Allknowing] you got this? [thumbs up from Allknowing] Were you about to say what I think you were about to say?! I am floored! Can I ask, have you read “The Way” or are you just trying to defy all that is sane in the world? [nothingness begins to walk away] Thank you for your time!

Hells Bells Road, Yerrington, Nevada

Interviewer: [Waves frantically to nothingness looking out the window solemnly] Let’s see if I can get nothingness’s attention. Oh! She opened the window. Hello! We’re interviewing nothingness across the country, would you—is that, is that spit! Did nothingness—oh my god, oh my—don’t air that! [Allknowing hysterically laughing] I said put it down! [looks up at window where nothingness holds a middle finger] You’re a fucking idiot! Don’t air that!

Okay, are we good? Sacramento, here we come!

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Thank you for reading. In other news:

My new zine, Emotional Horrorshow, is now available. It is a throwing up of all of our affairs, when we can no longer hold on. When there has been too much trauma.

The witch market I applied to did not accept me this year. I will make my way to witch markets eventually, so stay tuned.

New merch is coming to my shop before the end of the year. In the meantime, a shirt and or sweatshirt with one of my books makes a sick, alternative holiday gift. Deadline to order is December 10.

I’m working on integrating my other brand Darkness Thriving into Substack, where I will write about my story, how I thrive in the dark and other topics. There will be no changes to Dark Lord Show Me the Way, and I will keep you all posted when I incorporate DT.