Jack was writing a letter to his brother who died in the war.
To my brother, Carl,
When she left it felt like she threw a fireball directly at me, and I vanished entirely. Pot, boom! Explodes into tiny little shrapnel. And I gather it to take back with me.
When he left I watched with a face that read, Shall I forget myself again, for you. Then his Pisces-colored Ford driving away, once and for all, away from me and my life. And that was the day I recognized for the first time in 10 years Carl. My worth and all I hadn’t when it came to him. I looked into the mirror and smiled, he’ll never see me again. And I was happy for the very first time.
When you left I watched your life pass by like a rerun of the old television show that comforted us at night. And I see all the same characters and they’re behind the scenes waiting, and I see father in his Caddy, and I see her husband driving by him. Suppose they’ll go play golf today. And I see my ex in the driveway talking to the woman with the kerchief, and she says Wowee you’re a Pisces baby I just gotta make you mine and kisses him on the cheek.
And I wish I didn’t see it all didn’t feel it all Carl. And I wish I wouldn’t. And I wish someone would just help close my eyes and quiet down.
I looked into the mirror and sang I will eat the pain and thought to myself this isn’t theater, but I’d save the both of them if they’d let me. I hear the laughter that is so young and innocent it reaches deep deep deep and wrecks me so completely, I am a complete wreck as the current of our family comes in over me, over my head and I can’t bear it. And I’m sure it’ll be alright but it makes me feel real blue, especially in the night.
There’s nothing but to feel and I feel it all Carl. I feel it all and I could just burst into tears when he comes to me with his innocent eyes. And I look at him and I just want to take it all away. She says the feelings are messengers and I know what they tell me, oh I know what they tell me, and I hide and I die until I carry the weight into the night. And I see it all. And I feel it all as I stand at the edge of the ocean asking them to take my hands but they won’t. They remain the ocean. They’re steadier with him than they are with me. And I’m sure you and I’ll be together again soon but I can’t bear it. And I’m sure it’ll be alright but I just can’t bear it.
Your Jack
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This was greatly inspired by World War II. I sometimes tap into other times and other identities out of the blue and I greatly enjoy sharing them with you. Thanks for being here.
Jennifer Diane is a witch scholar, writer and model based out of New Jersey. Since 2017, she has not stopped gathering self-help resources in an effort to grow where everything was dead. Her offerings include resources on Darkness Thriving, books and zines at Endeavors of Horror, classes and one on one sessions for Healing with the Occult, and radical perspectives on the Enlightenment through Hellfire podcast.