Have you ever had a period in your life where everything is just at a standstill, and all you can do is sit in the uncomfortability of it all. That’s where I’m at currently, and this week I took advantage of the Scorpio full moon and came by the ocean to let all my feelings out. Going to the beach pre-season is really convenient, it is free to go on and no one is there. Parking is plenty. It is also not hot so you can bring a blanket and not worry about the sun as much.
I made myself a great witch atmosphere with my pentacle tapestry, black blanket, notebooks, candle and some coffee in a mason jar. I also brought some homemade rose water to spray around me just to keep myself in a circle of intention, because I had come here with a specific thing to do. It was very pleasant sitting with my em(oceans) all afternoon and writing letters to some of the people I dated in my life. When I was younger I really just felt “everyone can F off” and that was my outlook on that part of my life. I had developed some painful beliefs about who I was and who I wasn’t - and no one could really tell me otherwise. After I had my spiritual awakening in 2017 I did a helpful thing and picked up Natalie Lue’s book on relationships, taking a personal inventory of mine. I was ready to grow up. That combined with writing and physically releasing the poetry of Folk Horror, I was finally starting to parse out my history of loving.
Now almost 10 years later I was trying to do the same thing but with an entirely new perspective. A while back I had woken up and went straight to my altar, writing down all the gifts that I received from those same people. I had never done this but woke up feeling like I had to. Then this week I wanted to recap what I know to be true now about what happened back then. Thanking them for the gifts they gave that make up who I am today and acknowledging that without them I wouldn’t have these things be a part of me, as well as airing out any residual resentment. But something else happened too, the moon was helping me reveal truths about these situations once and for all, which I hadn’t been aware of before. Scorpio has the power to do this for us, and this was helpful to my psyche.
One of the beliefs I had developed back then was that I would always come second to others, I would never play a starring role in anyone’s love life. This was because one of my repeat experiences was that the person I was with would end up leaving me for someone else (not cheating, just they met and knew who they wanted to be with next, and left me for them). And a lot of those people are actually still with the people they left me for today with a marriage and kids to boot. Through the years knowing this information had been a jarring reality but most recently I’ve come to realize that I not only wasn’t meant to be with those people but my heart was the sacrifice so that they could find who they were supposed to be with. And today I am okay with that. I am happy they are happy, and I am happy without them.
Before I left I collected some sea water to anoint myself with daily as I continue on this journey the full moon is bringing this week. Also: setting a water bottle outside overnight on any night of any moon is so helpful if you want to embody its qualities. You can bring it in the next day and use it in your drinks or drink it by itself or anoint yourself with it while you do some emotional or spiritual work. I set mine out this week in a blue bottle since Scorpio’s a water sign. I will drink it the rest of the week to continue to encourage any transformations occurring now and later.
Here’s a bit of the sounds from my day:
Jennifer Diane is a goddess of darkness, writer and model based out of New Jersey. Since 2017, she has not stopped gathering self-help resources in an effort to grow where everything was dead. Besides running Healing with the Occult, Jennifer holds guided sessions on Acuity, shares the radical truth on the Enlightenment through Hellfire podcast and creates books and zines for Endeavors of Horror.