Recognizing the living dead
Family members walk among us and give us so much grief, so much hell that we can barely stand up straight. This is for those of you that haven’t yet figured out how to navigate these types of people and cannot physically remove yourself, because it is simply not possible right now. But I know one day you will. For those of you who can/have distanced yourself from relationships such as these, this is not for you, but I applaud you. Knowing what needs to be done and doing what needs to be done are two different realities.
Violations include: tone-policing (if you weren’t so angry-), oversharing in general or about sex, dismissing feelings, minimizing their impact (it was just a joke-), not asking for consent, pressuring hugs/kisses/hand-holding, making fun of ideas and thoughts, name-calling, not using your preferred pronouns, referring to your sexuality as a phase, paying for things/committing you to things without asking, constantly bringing up exes, laughing at your spiritual beliefs (or disbeliefs) and more.
“There are rituals and routines for dying, but also for living.”
Knowing where you end and they begin means preserving your life force. The energy that allows you to do things you actually like such as spend time with your partner or enjoy solitude on a day or night out with yourself, the energy you put towards your creative life or life’s purpose or kids, is what we’re talking about here. If you’re so depleted from them, how can you give to yourself in areas of your life that are actually healthy. Take it from Brene Brown, world expert on the walking dead: where there is not autonomy between people you’ll find only enmeshment, and enmeshment can get ugly, like two flies on a glue trap-neither knows what to do or how to get free so they’re both going to die. Here are some endless ideas for speaking the truth.
“I need you to lower your voice.”
“I’m happy to spend time with you, but please don’t bring grandpa.”
“I don’t feel comfortable hearing about your conflicts with other family members, that’s between you and them.”
“I get that you’re mad at (other family member) but it’s not fair for you to try to get me to be mad at them with you.”
“I’m allowed to feel how I feel about how you parented me. I’m an expert on my own childhood.”
“My feelings are valid.”
“If you can’t acknowledge that what you did wrong, I can’t continue to have a relationship with you.”
“Please don’t come to where I work.”
“I need us to stand further apart.”
“Stop raising your voice at me.”
“I’m not going to answer you while you continue to use the wrong pronouns.”
“If you continue to pressure me to believe what you believe, I’m going to need to leave.”
“I know you’ve said it’s a joke and that you’re just teasing, but I don’t find it funny.”
“I don’t want you to come in the room with me at the doctor’s office.”
“Stop pressuring me to become a parent, I don’t owe you a grandchild.”
“I’m not able to help you until next week.”
For more, see here and here. Although the articles are mother-focused, it works to read them universally.
“Come for me instead.”
When living in the land of the undead it gets worse when you start to look and act like them, because you’re not getting what you deserve. The lines become so blurred that now it’s about you. What kind of energies are you putting out? Save yourself by getting better at honoring your own internal boundaries first. The following are some necessary internal boundaries.
I’m getting a call at 9:30pm. I told them I didn’t want them to call me after 9pm. I am not answering the phone.
I spoke about needing more reciprocity because they run me over with their way of conversating, yet here we are again. I’m no longer building a relationship with this person who cannot prioritize equity.
I will not participate in conversations about body weight because they trigger me.
I will not make plans when I’m tired or needing to rest.
As stated in the article linked below, “Many of us trespass our own internal boundaries by over-committing or over-giving. Generally, we need stronger internal boundaries when we chronically overextend ourselves and feel resentful toward others as a result.” In other words, it helps to develop a fuck-this,-I’m-just-as-important-as-everyone-else attitude.
See the full article here. There is also a book available to buy.
“There is a kind of silence death cannot stand.”
Spiritually-speaking there is strength in staying quiet when things have gone amiss, even if the prickly ego cannot wrap itself around this idea. That is the point of spirituality after all, believing before you can see. The below is a very holy, very valuable response to why some people stay silent during an argument by Archana Janakiraman who shared her experience on Quora. I was also led here by a reader which makes it doubly spiritual imo. Perhaps her mother in law was a corpse who hadn’t crossed over yet, and that is why they’re relationship was able to blossom.
Please be advised nothing above is ultimate. In fact, you may be so intertwined that you need to step back entirely. I encourage that, and dismiss all of the above if they’re that abusive and intolerable. I wish you the very best in your recovery from the living dead.
The titles for each part are from Sean Thomas Dougherty’s poem, Death Letter #2.
Jennifer Diane is a witch scholar, writer and model based out of New Jersey. She’s authored Folk Horror, Rural Horror, Devil’s Manifesto, Emotional Horrorshow, and Salvation (out now). Shop Endeavors of Horror or find her on Instagram.
Please note, I pen free and paid content for this publication, Darkness Thriving, as well as monthly fictional stories for the Dark Lord Show Me the Way section. You can control what you receive via email by going here.