I share with you the trailer above which was birthed out of the deep intertwine of my pain and creativity. It is just an artistic way of saying “I bring all that I am, all past and present versions of myself, all of my darkness and light, to this section and I ready myself to hold space for and witness all of your darkness and light, all versions of you which have existed.”
Sometimes you’re not able to put into words what you’ve been facing, overcoming and birthing within and around you.
I think of Caroline Myss reiterating that you engage with the wrong things once you start “vomiting your grace,” in other words looking to others to tell you what is right and not. That part of finding the quality of your soul, is reclaiming your power to choose. With these principles in mind you can go back and span the decades of your life that have long passed. Go over your choices and ask were they my own? Or am I a parrot in this world.
Long ago the universe intervened into my life, calling me to embrace survival, to make my own choices, to begin living and feeling consciously. It’s what helped me find the will to survive. This can be as simple as getting to a point where you can say today is a good day because I don’t want to commit suicide. Today is a good day because I am not dating a person who terrorizes me. It can also be as simple as what I wrote in a journal in 2018:
Healing doesn't always mean happy. It could mean being more aware. It could mean having more power to get through your responsibilities. So I try not to think of it as when I get to where I want to be my permanent sadness will turn into a permanent smile, or even that I’ll smile more. The key seems to be having more of a sense of relief. I can breathe better more and more, I don't feel suffocated by my own depression, anxiety, unhappiness, pity, negative thoughts so heavy they push down on my head so that it's impossible for me to stand up straight every day.
Stand tall directly in the center of your shadow and light - and close the window. The window within the part of your subconscious which has allowed all that is external to float in, because you had the answers within you all along. This is a very deathly deep process but you can get through it and I am here to communicate that. It can take years on years to dig through the dirt of your life to find yourself. In fact it has caused me to refuse to believe I was chosen (by myself) because I have been led down so many paths that haven’t been my own, detoured in the most crooked ways. But it becomes a culmination and a reckoning, one that eventually you must believe in because its yours. It is solely yours, and basking in that one day is the beauty of it all. I wish you so much basking.
Jennifer Diane is a goddess of darkness, writer and model based out of New Jersey. Jennifer writes for Healing with the Occult, speaks for the Enlightenment through Hellfire Podcast, and creates books and zines (coming soon).
