If you missed the first post, see Letting Myself be Bisexual I, which offers support for what you feel is real and safe (but denying it may feel safer), and includes the origin story of my sexual attraction toward women.
Like a low hum in the background, you don’t hear it but you sense it. You came into this life this way, but you’ve been conditioned to only set your sights on the opposite sex (whatever that is for you) and to be/act heteronormative you rely on that fact. There is evidence that this is what is “normal” all around you, so that’s what seems more solid and acceptable. It is also what you’ve always known, and that makes it true doesn’t it? Always knowing it, being used to it and comfortable with it makes it true, that’s what you tell yourself. Having occasional thoughts or fantasies about the same sex occurs in passing, that’s all. It’s never at the forefront - it is never the forefront feeling, so it’s not real. Or is it? Let yourself take a closer look.
In the past I couldn’t pick up on clues for myself because although I did once in a blue look at women’s bodies in a sexual manner, it didn’t feel as strong as my attraction to men so I thought that meant it wasn’t enough. And I didn’t really let myself look - I would look, then look away fast as if I had no right. I mentioned in Letting Myself be Bisexual I that I asked a reader whether this was real for me, and she confirmed it was. I asked that question while I was dating the woman in her 40s, because it was my first time getting that close to a relationship as I said. At the time I was desperate for validation because my whole life I had felt this feeling, again, like the low hum in the background I couldn’t hear it, but I could spiritually sense it - always.
The following year, when I met my future partner, I was exploring so much new territory sexually. I was opening up and planning things for myself, in a sort of discovery phase and I was happy living my truth. I hadn’t seen this new woman in a few years, as we’d had a past as friends. But when we met at my favorite coffee shop everything fell into place instantly. The difference between the last woman and this one was that now I was having literal visions of us and there was some part of me that already knew we would be together and that I would love her (all of which indicated I was ready to manifest this desire). But it didn’t mean I wasn’t still frightened beyond belief. I want to go into more detail about what I mean by sensing. When she opened the door for me that night, I noticed how amazing she smelled and I was sexually attracted to that (sensing), but I pushed it away. When we sat down I noticed how different she looked as she had grown up since we knew each other from back then. I could feel my attraction to the way she spoke (sensing), and her hands (sensing), but again I dismissed all of that in the moment “no, can’t be.” We spoke for hours and most of the coffee shop melted away as it felt like it was just the two of us (sensing), but I didn’t let myself think much of it “never, what are you thinking?” We closed the place out and said goodnight. This sensing would continue the rest of the night and into the coming days. But I continued to talk myself out of my own feelings, even when I was openly flirting with her via text. Through this person, it was all being shown how real it was for me but I was still stuck in denial. We even kissed at one point after exchanging feelings for each other, but I claimed to not like it and let that reinforce my denial as well.
Because of my upbringing, because of all the negative influences I let in, because of my past experiences with women, and because I did not yet accept myself for who I was, I was pushing all of the knowing away until I no longer could. I had to face this if I wanted to be with her, and I wanted to be with her. As I said above I was ready, but that also meant bringing my baggage into the light and opening it to look inside first. Why exactly had I been so scared. What specific experiences affected me. Why did I think it was wrong to be anything other than straight. This wouldn’t be easy and do not fault yourself if you find yourself in a similar position, claiming to not want more with them beyond hooking up (and never having had a committed REL with someone like them). Do not fault yourself if the person wants more with you, but you say you don’t know if you can. This is fear talking, and fear can really trick you into believing “this isn’t for me” or “if I felt positively and unconfused it would mean I could move forward but I can’t because I feel negatively.” How do you tell the difference if it is right or wrong for you? Like anything else, you have to take a time out and deep dive into your shadow.
At a basic level I knew what happened with the woman in her 40s was happening again in this situation. I was resisting because we were getting closer to something I always wanted, the committed relationship. Once again it was there for the taking but I was still not allowing myself to take it. We ended up separating because I had to sort these things out for myself. Do not be afraid to do this even if it hurts the other person. If you need time there is no shame in that and it actually makes a lot of sense. They will still be around later if they genuinely care for you and if they are the person you are supposed to break through this with.
As a witch scholar, I started doing my research because information and educating myself helps me to feel safe and grounded in my own skin and in my life. You will have your own private process for resolving this within yourself (if you wish to), but I am sharing what mine was.
Deeper Dating Podcast by Ken Page
What led me to this website was that my mind (ego) started once again trying to trick me out of my feelings to protect me from an unknown experience. You may have heard the ego exists to protect us so while we do need it, we need to differentiate when there is really a threat in front of us vs. when something is new and anxiety is excitement. The biggest thing it was trying to convince me of was that I was not as attracted as I thought I was, just like last time. It’s easy to believe this, but I recognized that it had come up before. This podcast emphasizes all the strange things that your ego can come up with to ensure you are staying out of the unknown, and that includes causing you to question the existing attraction. I remember questioning was I attracted/how attracted was I/am I still attracted, which led to am I leading her on? Notice again, this is exactly what I experienced with the previous woman. The three part podcast series called Fear of Intimacy part 1, part 2, and part 3 was so helpful in that it covered all of this coming from shame, as well as “the wave of distancing” concept which includes making up reasons why you don’t like the person anymore, when you actually do and you’re just struggling with vulnerability. This was a huge issue for me and Ken is so gentle in his explanations. All of the above were side effects of deeper stuff going on for me and I want to say even after I came back together with her and continued to explore a real relationship, this continued to come up for some time. But don’t be alarmed, it eventually goes away as Ken states, but also don’t be surprised if it lasts longer than you expect.
Calm Down Mind
This is an extraordinary website in general (I have found many articles on here that have separately helped with my spiritual journey), but these two articles were the ones of focus for helping me with this situation: Resolving your inner conflicts and An example of dissolving a fear through allowing. The latter uses an actual example of being gay which I took to heart and did the exercise Sen provided and answered the questions myself.
Journaling
Lastly, I started journaling a lot about this and answered my own “whys” and these are some conclusions I came to through the act of writing:
This is the list of people who shamed me for being attracted to women, and I internalized all of what they said, so when I hear “you can’t” etc. it is their words not mine
I was taught by society and religion that it’s not normal to be attracted to the same sex, I was taught I should end up with a man simply because I am a woman- but this is all bullshit
I have been waiting for myself to prove to myself that I am this and can do this, because then the evidence would be too compelling to ignore, but I’ve never needed to prove anything, I’ve had a spiritual sense of it all along
I believe it is easier to identify as someone who sometimes hooks up with women than it is to identify as a person who has serious RELs with women - this shows that my definition of bi is stereotypical because when I think “serious REL” I think “gay” not bi so I put my own limits on myself and my identification as bisexual
At the time I also had a mantra going in my spiritual group to help me: I AM NOT FORBIDDEN.
I could see after all this research and writing that I had been going through multilayered issues, all of which were normal. I hadn’t been in a REL for years and I was afraid to be vulnerable again. I had never slept with a woman or been in a serious REL with one so my limiting beliefs were clouding my judgment and influencing my decisions. I wasn’t embracing my sexual attraction or accepting myself, I didn’t believe despite all the evidence in my life up until that point. And all of this made me feel totally out of fucking control. It was never easy, that’s my truth. It takes RADICAL honesty, like a scary level of honest you must reach with yourself. Getting to a place where you can realize it’s not all just in your head is important too. Trust me, you only feel nuts because you’re purging years of heteronormative thinking. You’re also picking up on all of what society has hurled at those who have come out - all the lies, fearmongering, gaslighting, all of it.
After I found my way out of this I reconnected with this woman and was able to move forward into a committed relationship. I am wildly grateful that I pushed myself, so you won’t be sorry if you feel called to do the same. Ultimately it was about fighting for what I deserve, who I really am, and what would make my soul happy. The real battle was me against me, because only after overcoming that could I then symbolically fight the outside interference that not only reverberated through me from the past but also would undoubtedly show up through others in the future (such as homophobic family members or the oppressive society we live in) to try to disrupt my present fulfillment. And you do need to learn to fight. It is sad, but if you want to live this way it is currently still a real fight to do so. Today I don’t always identify as bisexual, sometimes I say I’m fluid, or remove the labels altogether. We are all humans, and this is about being happy in your life and living authentically more than anything else. If you are on this path, I wish you so much strength in your journey, and am cheering you on.
If you enjoyed reading this post, I recommend my book Salvation, which goes into detail about another awakening - my spiritual awakening - of 2017.
