I’ve known I was attracted to women since I was about 7 years old. There was a girl who lived next door and I would go to her house to play for extended periods of time. We would play this game of house. Either she or I would be the husband, but we would always end up having “sex” at the end, which would consist of us doing a lot with our clothes on, short of kissing. I remember the adrenaline rush I would feel for her, how I wanted to play the game all the time, and even do more at such a young age. She was my first girl crush, then later I would get crushes here and there in middle school, and even kiss my best friend for the first time. But high school was when it all came to a head and I developed very real feelings for other girls.
I remember how close I was with this one girl that was in the same grade as me, and I had told one of my guy friends that I was really attracted to her. He later told her and she completely shunned me - cutting me off and writing a scathing letter about how I was disgusting and how could I have feelings for her because we were best friends. I was ashamed and embarrassed and I remember distinctly thinking, “My feelings for girls drives them away. I’m disgusting. I’m not allowed to look at girls that way let alone touch them. It’s just not okay.” My Greek Orthodox background and conservative family further solidified that I was in the wrong for feeling the way I did and would never be accepted for whoever I was. I didn’t know at the time, I just knew my feelings felt real. Throughout college I was approached by women romantically but never acted on their advances. I had also been approached by couples over the years who’d ask about threesomes, but I always declined. I remember one night being at a club in New York, and a couple approached me for that reason even then, as strangers. Spiritually the energy surrounded me of attracting others in this way, it was always present, but I didn’t take it too seriously.
I had a few friends who identified as lesbians but made me feel like I had to prove that I was worthy enough to love all types of people. Back then when it came to my sexuality it was as if others couldn’t accept that I was two things at once - that I had this ability to live multiple lives. For centuries, duality has been looked down upon so looking back this does not surprise me that I was treated this way. And generally the “B” in LGBTQIA+ gets treated like it isn’t valid, doesn’t exist, people are confused by it or assume the person is confused about their identity or demand the person choose a side and stay there. I remember how daunting it felt to explain to others how and why I was sexually fluid, as if this was some kind of phenomenon that just wasn’t possible. They also remained skeptical of me and my feelings no matter how much I went into detail about it. They would say things like “How could you be both at once? You have to be into one more than the other, so which one is it? Are you sure you’re really into women?” This shows how those who were already out were even affected by heteronormative programming. Point blank no one ever believed me and that created an uncertainty and self-doubt in me. The humanitarian in me would also wonder if those who identify are fighting against society just to be who they are, fighting to live how they see fit, why are they making me do that? Those people ultimately contributed to me denying my own identity and questioning whether what I felt was okay/real/allowed/possible. It was hard for me to understand since I was so inclusive and accepting of everyone else and their life. I had no idea at the time that they were the ones with the problem, and it had nothing to do with me. In fact I would later find out two of them had feelings for me and that’s part of why they were acting so fucked up. But all of this and more was why two decades later I found myself on the phone with a reader asking if this was real, if I was really into women, basically asking her to validate my identity for me.
My first real experience where I was in it and willing to see where it would go was at 21 with a woman I met through someone else. One night I was out dancing, drinking and hanging with two of my friends and she appeared out of nowhere. I thought she was stunning. She knew my two friends and I knew her through them, but we hadn’t seen each other since childhood. After that night my friend told me she was asking about me. I asked my friend to give her my number, and we met a few times to hang out and hook up. I liked her a lot but I remember being shy about doing anything other than kissing, and before I could open up she reconnected with her ex and ghosted me as well as everyone else in her life. She just up and moved to another state to marry and live with her ex and it was definitely painful - an experience I felt was taken away prematurely.
In between relationships with men I would eventually start going to gay clubs and be on the lookout for any woman who caught my eye. One night I felt someone dancing on me and turned around. I looked at her and we started to kiss and held hands the rest of the night. I asked for her number and we went on a few dates - this was the first time I went on any real dates with a woman. From those dates though I felt bored, our personalities didn’t quite match up. A friend of mine at the time tried to convince me to use the woman to experience hooking up beyond just kissing. I declined. I just wasn’t that person. I ended up cutting her off by telling the truth - that I didn’t think we clicked - and it was done.
Years later after I experienced heartbreak from two people back to back, I began to start thinking about me. It was summer and I was single again. What did I want? Who was I really? I felt called to explore that further, especially since I was in my 30s now. One night I was up late talking to a man I met online. He was so much like me-tattoos grungy harley davidsons worldly very open minded. I opened a dialogue with him wondering out loud if I would ever live a life I truly wanted to live. He asked what life that was and I began talking about my love for women and how I always wanted to experience a real relationship. A real connection, a serious committed situation, it’s just something I always wished for but discouraged in myself because of all my experiences and because time was passing and I just didn’t think it was meant for me if it hadn’t happened yet. I was also beginning to be of the mindset that I didn’t want to just go off and get married to some man, have kids and live a typical fucking life. I wanted more, I felt meant for more diverse experiences - whether that’d be in my sex life or who I was dating or how I was dating. The man online encouraged me by giving examples of friends he knew who lived polyamorously or open relationship type lives and were very happy. I didn’t know necessarily if that was for me, but I felt so comforted by our conversation.
It motivated me that summer to put myself out there in a huge way, with women only. Someone came along during this time - a beautiful woman with a thick New York accent. We shared many conversations before we eventually met in person. We spent a lot of time in NYC for dates and I loved her personality. We were in each other’s lives for a little over a month before I realized she was a big drinker. I had experienced so much loss in my dating life, so much deep pain, that as soon as I saw someone who was a mismatch I didn’t even give myself room to have a conversation with the person about it. More started happening beyond her drinking that I took issue with and I decided to cut her off. She continued to text, urging me to reconsider. She even showed me through her actions that she wanted to be different, I remember her sweet gestures, but I was really sure about not wanting to see her again so we ended things for good.
After my spiritual awakening in 2017, I remained single for years as I was in a completely different headspace dating wise. When I did decide to start dating again I put myself in the way of everyone. Looking back I know the universe was really trying to show me by introducing the next person, that I no longer had to be afraid. That I could embrace myself and have what I really wanted. That I was allowed to experience and create these amazing connections - it was safe. The person I am referring to was a woman in her 40s. We met up at a bar and she pretty much checked all my boxes. Not only did we talk for hours but I was incredibly attracted. We talked all about her son, spiritual experiences, our pasts, and life in general. I got the sense that she was a really beautiful person inside and out and there were no red flags so I agreed to see her again. Over time with her I realized I had found someone where a relationship would actually be possible. Of course, what this meant for someone like me - who hadn’t been in a relationship for years and never had been this close with a woman - was pure panic mode.
To put it plainly, I ran screaming. The day of our last date, we met for sushi. Things were going very well as I said above. But as soon as I got there, I heard the music which happened to be very romantic that night, I saw her, and my mind began to race as I could not stop crying. I went directly to the bathroom, kind of hysterical. I could not calm down as I was closer and closer to a reality I had always wanted. I judged myself harshly and began making excuses for why this wasn’t going to work. I heard myself tell myself the most ridiculous things: She is not that attractive. Her clothes, look at them. Her skin, look at it. She’s too mature for you. You’re going to feel trapped. You’re already trapped, get out! My ego was trying to protect me from the unknown, from living in a way I never had, but I couldn’t see that back then. This was me fighting coming out in real time because it was easier to not come out, it was easier to resist the very real deepening/vulnerability that was unfolding between her and I. I came out of the bathroom and insisted on leaving, and she proposed we get coffee as it was less pressure. I agreed and drove down the street, with a certainty that this person was completely wrong for me. Walking into the new place more irrational thoughts overcame me in the form of shame: How could you think you actually like her, you don’t. You’re not even into women this much. You’re going to get close to her and break her heart because you could never accept yourself for being this into women - it’s not okay, it’s not allowed, you’re wrong for doing this and wanting this and you’re fucked up because you’re leading someone on. I just kept hearing myself say what are you even doing here, you have no business being here with her.
I knew she could feel my energy as we walked back to my car with the coffees. I felt crazy and lost. But she was unwavering, she just sat with me, unafraid. She kept saying it was okay. I kept crying and ranting about my feelings, hating on who I actually was, the authentic me that was trying to emerge. And to make it worse as my thoughts consumed me, strong feelings of wanting to hook up with her did as well. But I was so scared to act on it and never verbalized it. Instead I just kept speaking in circles. I remember feeling embarrassed but also certain that this meant we weren’t supposed to be together (which was completely untrue).
Beyond that night she tried to stick around because she really liked me but the truth was she was so much more secure in her sexuality than I was at that point in my life. Looking back, I can see that now. Her past included an experience with a woman in a full on relationship, in other words she had already crossed that threshold for herself and was in acceptance and embodiment of who she was whereas I was standing at the threshold terrified, too scared to step over the line. The funny thing is she was willing to give me the space to come into myself, but I didn’t have the awareness at the time to realize that I actually could. I was blinded by fear. If I had just stood in my own discomfort I would have been okay. Instead I concluded if she was right for me I wouldn’t be feeling this way (again, untrue). Eventually I let us die out despite her letting me know everything was okay, she wasn’t scared, she understood me and was willing to wait.
One year later I would get a second chance at coming out, and through a lot of hard work finally be true to myself in the process. See Letting Myself be Bisexual II, which includes resources that helped me do that.
