Je suis malade (de le garder plus longtemps)
I am sick (to keep it in any longer)
Mark was translating a letter written in French, found in the basement of his new home.
Amélie,
I cannot express to you my sorrow. I have led you and our family astray. I have sat with the children and held my invisible gun to their heads, unbeknownst to me. My father was a war head, a cruel devil man, devil in the sense that I grew up to know it. My fear grew greater with age, as I tried to run away from the pile of ashes he left of our house. But I could not escape him for his fury was written into my body. I know you will never understand this, and this is no excuse my beautiful children, I live with the idea that I must go if I am to ever redeem myself from the house of ashes. I dragged your bodies under it, with mine, not knowing how to review myself. I adopted to become impenetrable, so his bullets could not reach me or my mind, but unbeknownst I was saving the bullets for my own children. What will become of me, Étienne? Jordane? What will I tell my father, heavenly, when I get to him. I will face him and walk to hell. I know now I am not worthy, after having put you all in graves yourselves. You must, Zélie, you must watch your sisters and brothers, watch over them as I would, before I collapse into the arms of above. They know me better than anyone. The fires in my house I could not put out, with the help of no one. I am lost to my own mind, I am lost to you, and to the path I wish to go. I am sick from my father, and I am sick from my mother, sick from my father, and he was sick from his father. And I always thought, if I move from this darkness, what remains? What light remains for me forever hidden, how do I go from here? I lived for my children all of my life. I feel skinned alive without them, without their hair on my shoulder, without their little hands in my lap. And I remain sorrowful to you and the children, please know this. What survived has not been kind, but it is me. Please remember. Please there is a part she knows she is not well, that I have wronged you all, there is a part she knows she cannot face herself and the rest of her life anyway. I must go Amélie.
Adeline
Listen to the audio version:
This is a third companion to my latest podcast episode, Absorbing the patriarchy. The second is The invisible gun.
Jennifer Diane is a goddess of darkness, writer and model based out of New Jersey. Since 2017, she has not stopped gathering self-help resources in an effort to grow where everything was dead. Besides running Healing with the Occult, Jennifer shares the radical truth on the Enlightenment through Hellfire podcast and creates books and zines for Endeavors of Horror.