I will always choose the most dangerous person to be with
Rewriting what they said about you
Over time I collected all the things people had ever said about me, running themes in my life which mostly played on tape in the back of my mind. I needed to be ready to tell myself something different, to attach a deeper meaning to what those things meant and why I had believed them. I wasn’t ready before I did what I will lay out below. One of the ones that stood out the most was “I will always choose the most dangerous person to be with.” This is a karmic overlay that exists in many families, especially among women. Always expecting disappointment in love, and not able to get over the ancestral hurdle of I know I can stand up for myself so why am I not doing it. It’s very painful stuff.
Recently I did a masterclass with Caroline Ruderman, and she used a term that stuck with me, and that was ‘powerfully untrue.’ I’m going to use similar wording and say I held all these beliefs as powerfully true in my life and it was up to me to rewire them in a different way. Because I had found myself quite a bit in the last two years through creativity, spirituality, astrology and many books, I started intuitively connecting the dots and triggered an aha moment as I did what I lay out below - things like well this is why this makes no sense, this is why this was never true to begin with. Like I look at the things that were said about me now and say hell no. It really does take knowing yourself on a new level to use all of what was said about you growing up or during adolescence, young adulthood, or even now, whether it was an idea put on you or actual words spoken to you, and understand it differently. Always remember the people who did this were really in no shape themselves - it’s why they acted like this in the first place. In this article I share how I changed the things I was told to inspire you to do the same, if you feel ready.
I separated mine by age because it was necessary for me to organize it in a way that made sense. If this helps you, do it. Try to think about what you remember the most from specific age group times or what runs through your head now that’s from the past. I did mine by age 7-12, teenage years, my 20s and even my 30s as my history is filled with a relentlessness by others that I can’t describe. It has taken me a really long time to find myself, but this is what divine timing is all about. There is a time for you to hit on your purpose, a time for you to meet a person, a time for you to fall apart and rebuild yourself from scratch, etc. Everything to me is about divine timing. I am starting to have faith and trust in this more and more. You’re not destined to be nothing - no one is that is here. You matter and you’re here for a reason.
Let’s start by gently doing this exercise. I’m sharing mine below. Some you remember may sound so simple but don’t disregard those. Whatever really hurt you is what this is all about, also the same words used toward you repeatedly is part of it, as well as whatever statements were accompanied by physical abuse - we are getting that real and that deep here. I italicize what was said to me, and make bold how I reframed it. Then I explain both. You will clearly be able to see how me getting to know myself is what helped me. Only then could I recreate what was said, start to tune it out, and align with my own self and path.
You’re too talkative. I am a bubbly Gemini Midheaven.
You talk too much, at church they complain about you at school they complain about you, please stop talking all the time.
When I found out I was a Gemini Midheaven (which is an astrological term for your life purpose) by looking at my birth chart, I was like fuck this is why I love to talk! I am meant to literally self-express to no end. To speak, to write, to teach, etc. I was always just expressing what came so naturally to me, I was never wrong.
You’re being annoying again. I am a joy to be around.
You’re a pest, a bother, and never worth my time.
I love being around me, and other people love being around me. My company is valuable and worthy.
You’re wrong. My emotions are real and valid.
You saw nothing, you heard nothing, and if you did you misinterpreted all of it. You’re not capable of discerning these things you’re just a kid.
When I worked with a DBT workbook for narcissistic and gaslighting, I realized slowly the way I acted was never wrong, what I saw and felt-and tried to stop at times but got in trouble for-was real. My emotions were so fucking perfect and never the problem. My guidance system was working just as it should have, even though others tried to discourage this to cover up their secrets.
You’re unclear. I have a deep connection and understanding of the unseen.
You’re misperceiving, here let me tell you what’s really going on.
Over time I’ve recognized my intuitive gifts more clearly for what they are by working with deities and spirituality, and when I found out I was an HSP, that was all I needed to know to realize I have always perceived people and situations clear as day, since this is special kind of trait connected to being sensitive to your environment, subtleties and more.
You’re disgusting. I am beautiful.
You’re a pig. Look at your hair, look at your room. You just don’t know how to be clean.
In all my phases, all my stages, all my reckonings with myself and how I grew up, all versions of me are valid and beautiful and worthy. I’d been through a lot physically mentally and emotionally, and it took a long time (if you ever even) to come out on the other side. To others, this may have looked like messy hair, messy space and messy life, but I deserved kindness and compassion regardless. Ironically those who were the reason I had messy hair a messy space and a “messy” looking life were the ones doing the criticizing.
You’re so forgetful. I remember things of value.
You forgot to do this again, you forgot to do that again. How many times do I have to tell you to do this or that.
As a child you will forget everything, as you’re learning to coordinate in the world and it’s normal to forget things, even as an adult. Maybe mailing something can wait until tomorrow, while remembering a friend’s birthday is more important. What I remember and don’t is not connected to my worth.
You’re too needy. I deserve emotional security.
What do you expect, he left you because you act like that. If you keep crying and carrying on. Who wants to be around that?
Many people surrounding me in my life did not support my emotions. I had to truly support myself when it came to that and it was one of the hardest things to do alone. Everyone needs people to support their emotions because that’s why we turn them off and have a hard time speaking up in the long run. I found myself in my emotions, and realized all these people who rejected them were not capable of providing me with emotional safety (the feeling of being accepted and embraced for who you truly are and what you feel and need), but I deserved it, always, every time.
You know the way I talk. I am worthy and deserving of kind words.
I will be emotionally abusive at my leisure. This is just who I am, DEAL with it.
I grew up in a household where others used me as a punching bag, speaking to me in a brash, cruel, critical, and hostile manner even in regular every day conversation. Because of this I normalized that behavior, and thought there was nothing wrong with partners, friends, bosses etc. acting the same way toward me. It can be the smallest of slights, such as get over here! or, get your shit and let’s go or, why the hell did you go to the city? It’s quite hard to explain if you didn’t grow up around it, but I deserved to be spoken to calmly and not volatilely, and it took a really long time to deprogram this fact. As a side note, if you know Catelynn Baltierra from Teen Mom OG, she dealt with the same exact thing - specifically with her mom April being verbally abusive like this - as she grew up. A good example is Season 2, episode 7, fast forward to 11:11.
You’re an idiot. I am a witch scholar.
Everything you do is wrong, from decisions to dating to school to work to dressing yourself. You just can’t get it right.
Discovering that I can digest an extensive amount of information all at once on a topic and then tell you everything about how to do it and why it’s important was a big part of how I realized that I am a very intelligent person. Not just intelligent, but a scholar of magickal hidden information that I now share on this Substack. Being an HSP is part of this, as having this personality trait makes using the insula part of my brain easy. It’s why/how I absorb information the way I do. I am proud of this and the gothic lens I put on everything that makes me so unique intellectually. I now know my “smart” is actually different than most people’s, and that was something lost on the people from my past but it’s what makes me uniquely me.
You do nothing all day. I am completing endeavors of horror.
You have multiple degrees, yet no job in any of the fields. Your schedule is not normal, waking up later in the morning, and leaving the house in the afternoon. You have a job but it has nothing to do with any of your degrees.
I’ve had innumerous jobs in my life and I have several academic degrees. In between all of this activity I’ve spent a lot of time finding myself as I said above. I spend mass amounts of time bettering myself and working through myself psychologically. I enjoy this, and actually it was more of my path to do things this way then just go to school and get a job like everyone else. It served me because it allowed me the time to get into alignment and authenticity (so that I could be here today with you), the two As you need to succeed (don’t let them tell you you need As in school). By “succeed” I mean find your own happiness and peace in life. Endeavors of horror is the name of my book shop, and means in the spirit of bravely taking on our own individual horror endeavors (facing our traumas) to bring us closer to our soul’s purpose - so I used it in my reframing.
You’re selfish. I know how to take care of myself.
You always have to do things your way. You always have your own preferences. You get offended by everything.
I know what I want and need and I will tell you. I know what I like and don’t and I say no when I need to and if that’s deemed as getting offended by everything so be it. It took so much for me to develop my own voice and boundaries. I have changed a ton in the last decade since my first spiritual awakening, and a lot of people usually are so used to controlling you that when you start changing they want to still do that so they try to tell you your bad for knowing how to care for yourself.
Altogether I had come up with 28 things said about me/put on me from all the age groups I mentioned above. I can’t explain how lightbulbs went off one by one as I wrote my own reframe from things I had learned about myself in my life, on my own, with the help of no one else. It was like the smallest most powerful victory I experienced where I could say I can hold fast to these truths now because their mine. And I promised myself I would not rely on those old sayings anymore even if others tried to use them against me again. It wouldn’t work anymore or at least hit me less intensely - because now I knew the truth.
You can do anything you want with what you come up with, you can use them as affirmations, you can create an art project out of them, do a vision board with them, pick one that means the most and put it on jewelry to wear. The exercise above in itself will push you into new territory mentally, and the point is to solidify it somehow to yourself. Solidify the truth now that you’re more aware.
Jennifer Diane is a goddess of darkness, writer and model based out of New Jersey. Since 2017, she has not stopped gathering self-help resources in an effort to grow where everything was dead. Besides running Healing with the Occult, Jennifer shares the radical truth on the Enlightenment through Hellfire podcast and creates books and zines for Endeavors of Horror.