He belongs where the dead live
They told me I would walk around with a loaded gun. That what I went through would sit and stay in my body. That my body would remember and it would react as if we were in the same situation even if we weren’t. But I wasn’t fighting to live, I was fighting to die. It’ll make you think up is down, left is right. It’ll make me tell my date he’s controlling me, but I’m actually controlling him. I will wear the face of the man who put his hands on me and it might kill me. That’s what they told me. Julianne said it would get easier with time. I didn’t believe her.
The first night back a man approached me at a bar. When he asked for my number I replied ‘I was abused.’ I was drunk. I told him he wasn’t getting my number, or anything from me. I proudly stood there. Nine months later we went to a restaurant. When I heard him make fun of a passersby I got up and left.
The following summer I fantasized about a man I worked with. He was always commenting on how I looked, from the fit of my pants to the seriousness of my stare. I knew he wanted me. The first night we shared space he tried to kiss me and I forcefully pushed him to the ground.
I thought of my ex often in those moments. The way I watched him lust after someone else while he was with me. The paralysis of wanting to have sex with him and that other person. Where I ended up after I escaped. Letting Rita snap her fingers in front of me at the meetings. My capacity to pay attention had gone away.
At the third one I told everyone I let him part my hair for me. “He would brush it when I got out of the shower and then he would tell me to let him do it because I didn’t know how. He said all men should know how. He wasn’t a monster,” I cried.
Jackie hugged me at the tenth. “I remember when he said I belonged where the dead live.”
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Thank you for reading. There is an option below to support my writing if you feel so inclined. Here’s an update on what I’ve been doing elsewhere:
My first zine, Devil’s Manifesto, just came out.
You can also preorder my two poetry books, Folk Horror and Rural Horror, which will be available to ship next week. Link to preorder.