Eating to live or eating to die (inside)?
Preface: If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, this post may be triggering. Instead of reading it, check out these resources to help yourself or a loved one.
The world is full of things that masquerade as wellness. You think, if I just eat I’ll be well. If I just work, I’ll be well. If I just go to school and do what I’m told, I’ll be well. But what is real wellness? What does wellness mean when it comes to your subtle body, not just the human suit you’ll inhabit for 80-some odd years (unless you chose to leave earlier before you came here) — because this isn’t about slimming down to nothing.
A big part of my own wellness has to do with digestion, as I age and settle more into my Ascendant sign. While it is true that you can, not only gain muscle from eating less cleaner foods but also live a perfectly contented life, this is more about feeling called to reach higher. There are several areas of life that cause pain and hardship: romantic relationships, family relationships, figuring out one’s purpose, attaining true freedom of thought and way of living, etc. Most problems in these areas come from not being able to access the emotions around them due to stuffing or numbing. If you eat cleaner will these things go away? No they’ll still be hard but what will change is you. You’ll work with these energies differently because the way you eat affects your mental health including outlook on life and mood. This is a scientific fact but a short story I have to share is I knew a woman with severe mental health issues. She eventually shifted her way of eating with my help and reports back often that her moods have become lighter, because making the change has had an impact on her life.
I don’t necessarily like to call foods good or bad, to me it’s more about outcomes (what do I want to happen to me?). All foods have the ability to change our vibration. Do I want to get closer to myself and let that ripple out to the rest of my life or just stay where I am. The choice is always yours because you have many lifetimes to ascend. Maybe in this one you don’t really care (and that’s okay). I wanted to get closer to myself. I have this as-deep-as-the-ocean drive to get closer to myself and reach higher every day. So many obstacles have been placed in front of me in the way of digestion in order for me to fulfill that inner knowing, from ending up in the hospital to a major spiritual awakening to waking up one day and deciding I didn’t want to eat meat anymore (though I do not consider myself vegan). I’ve been on this journey for about 7 years, eventually I want to write a goth cook book, help others feel less overwhelmed about grocery shopping through my one on one sessions, create a goth fitness line, and share my growth around all of this on future podcast episodes. For today though I’d like to go over what I witness all around me in the way of unpleasant feelings/emotions in connection with choosing to stay where you are food-wise, along with some truths I’ve learned on my own.
A person who runs to the bathroom after eating because they are sick from the food. Whether it be after dinner, or in the morning, or waking up in the middle of the night. The same person who explodes in anger and deeply resents on bad days. Doesn’t listen to their small children when they say they’re scared of them, they just deny it and go about their life.
The truth: Restaurants can underreport what they contain in their foods in the nutrition listing by 20% and still pass FDA inspection. That means you’re only getting half the story about what’s in your food. Not only will it save you money to cook 85-90% of your food because for that you’ll plan your meals/grocery lists ahead of time but it will also keep you out of the bathroom because you’re in control of what goes into what you’re cooking. Prepackaged/outside prepared foods confuse our ecosystem (stomachs) because we can’t guarantee what’s in them. The more consistently clean you eat, the less your stomach will reject. It is a very beautiful, delicate ecosystem in there and it functions the way you say it does, according to what you give it.
A person who fills up on chocolate chip cookies, Doritos, Chinese food, other fast food, and TV dinners day in and day out (they also note that no one ever taught them to cook so they can’t be blamed). The same person smokes a half a pack a day and hates the person they’re with. And not only do they look for others to tell them how to make every decision in life, but everyone else also tells them what to do.
The truth: Non-alcoholic fatty liver disease and kidney stones are just some of the consequences of eating foods like the above so much, every day, for years. It is easier than you think to keep it very simple in the kitchen - set your oven to 375 degrees for 20 minutes and you can cook a single serving of almost any protein fully and exceptionally. Put one serving of vegetables into a bowl and pour water over them, then put the bowl in the microwave for a minute to soften, then add them to the oven tray with the protein for the 20 minutes. Half the battle is already won. Put half an inch of water in a pot and add two servings of rice-when it boils, lower to a simmer and cover for 18 minutes. You just made your first dinner. Do this five nights in a row with different proteins and vegetables and you have just cooked dinner five nights in a row for yourself. [Use Fridays or Saturdays to eat out for psychological relief from this uniformity, because no one said we were giving everything up forever as if we are nonhuman]
A person who eats anything and therefore their children eat anything, but then they get mad at their children when their children are always hungry or complain they’re eating too much/gaining weight. Or they expect their children to eat differently, but their the ones modeling how to eat in the first place.
The truth: A structured plate of food creates a balance and our bodies intuitively know this. When you eat mostly processed foods, you’re more likely to overeat because of how much sodium is involved as well as be hungrier within a shorter amount of time, which makes you also overeat in the span of a day. A plate consisting of a vegetable, protein and starch portioned appropriately will keep you fuller for longer, and leave you less likely to have cravings. If you have kids, it starts with you. Don’t expect a child to reach for water and an apple when all they see you reaching for are sodas and desserts. Equally, expect your child to form maldaptive coping strategies due to what you’re modeling and feeding them.
Lastly I want to say that decision fatigue in life is a real thing. One of the most frequent things we do daily as humans is make an overwhelming amount of choices. When you wake up what should you wear? How should you talk to your boss this week to finally get what you deserve? Which weekend will you and your partner dedicate to cleaning out the garage? When will I make that appointment for my physical? What should I eat for breakfast, now lunch, damn now it’s the end of the night so dinner? Oh whatever I’ll just have that canned ravioli because I’m tired and don’t feel like doing shit. Choices and the emotional fatigue around them become easier when we have a plan. When we are not scrambling, we can keep one less thing off our back which we could all really use.
If you’d like to learn more, book a session with me. I’ll be updating my June and beyond books at the end of this month.
Jennifer Diane is a witch scholar, writer and model based out of New Jersey. She’s authored Folk Horror, Rural Horror, Devil’s Manifesto, Emotional Horrorshow, and Salvation. Book a one on one session, shop her books and zines, or find her on Instagram.
Please note, I pen free and paid content for this publication, Darkness Thriving, as well as monthly fictional stories for the Dark Lord Show Me the Way section. You can control what you receive via email by going here.